the socially anxious mind

Everyone's looking at you while your talking.

A mix of unremarkable expressions. You attempt to read them as you're talking.

Did I detect a look of pity there?

The mind starts to feel numb. You're speaking but not sure if the words are making sense anymore.

Your face feels tense from a clenched smile. Is it obvious I look anxious?

You rush to get to the end of your last sentence. There's some brief, polite laughter. Phew, you got through it. You said something.

Now someone else is talking. You're not listening properly. Busy replaying what you just said in your head.

How was it interpreted? Why did you rush through it? You missed a key part out. It wasn't funny at all. They all think I'm weird.

There's that couple. They always gossip. They'll be talking about this later. Laughing about me.

They'll tell other people about this too. They'll completely misinterpret it and now this is what I'll be known for. That guy who said that awkward thing.

You want to fix this, you want to make sure everyone knows exactly what you meant so that you're not misunderstood.

Of course you can't do that. It's out of your control.

It's probably best to just not say anything.

But then you're the weird person who stands in silence not saying anything. Why did I bother to try to socialise at all? I should've stayed at home.

Someone starts talking to you.

The conversation slows. They look bored. They catch someone elses gaze, shout "hello" from across the room and walk over to talk with them.

Your left alone again. You wonder why they didn't want to keep talking to you. Was it something you said? Did you just ask them questions the whole time like an interview? They could probably see how tense and uptight you looked.

You have to relax. Try to relax.

Someone notices your on your own and brings you into a conversation. Introduces you to someone new.

That was really kind of them. Everyone here is actually really friendly. They told you their name but you didn't catch it because you were thinking about trying to relax.

Consciously relaxing your facial muscles. Are you pulling weird faces now?

Is it obvious from your eyes that you're thinking about something else. Show interest? Ask a question...

You ask a question. There's a pause. They answer. Oh shit, did you just ask a question about something they already told you the answer to 2 seconds ago?

You tell yourself to just be present. Don't think about anything else, just be present.

The evening ends. Time to say goodbye. Do you give hugs or kisses on the cheek? Are either necessary? You only met these people a couple of hours ago.

You get through it and thank everyone for everything. Probably thank them too much. Laugh, smile and say goodbye.

You get home. You can relax. Finally.

Except now you play back everything in your head to check for possible mistakes. What did you say exactly? Did you do ok? Do people like you? You hope so but you won't ever really know for sure.

You could say it really isn't worth worrying about.